SATIRE: Donald Worcester arrested for 4th DUI charge in past month


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The Voice obtained a copy of Worcester’s mugshot. Police found him covered in formulas, and detected traces of Expo marker in his blood.

Man-Ceps and Big Processor

  At 1:09pm last Tuesday, the lovable and huggable Donald Worcester was arrested on DUI charges. As he was exiting out from L’ Hospital, he was apprehended by a SWAT team for deriving under the influence. On his person, cops found 10 tangerine-colored sheets of derivatives.

  The scene was horrific; ink from Expo markers adorned his face, and several TI-Nspire shortcuts were tattooed on his back. When authorities first incarcerated Worcester, he was recorded as calling the police “indeterminate” and “irrational.”

  “Hey guys, it’s me, Uncle Don, and I’ve had it with these feds always on me, telling me what I can and cannot do” said Worcester. “Saints, if you’re reading this, pappy’s coming home next Christmas” 

  Prison guards have reported Worcester engaging in peculiar activities to say the least—these include but are not limited to whittling conservative vector fields out of bathroom soap, teaching other inmates about the intervals of convergence of its respective power series, and submitting laminated statistical reports on why the IRS is burglarizing the common folk of America.

  “I’m kind of like the number 11,” said Worcester, unprompted. “In that I was the PRIME suspect!”

  Worcester then fell to the floor in uproarious laughter.

  Students were quick to point out the red flags leading up to the event. One in particular, sophomore Sreekar Nagulapalli, chose to speak up.

  “There were a select few instances that really stuck out to me as odd; in hindsight, I should’ve known what was coming,” Nagulapalli said. “One day, he walked up to me and screamed ‘MY FAVORITE TYPE OF TREE IS A TRIGONOME-TREE!’ and slammed my desk. After I finished laughing at this funny joke, I started to suspect that he wasn’t acting rationally, and I ain’t talkin’ no fractions!”

  Others have reported cryptic messages from an Instagram account named “Xx_C4lcG0d_xX”. Seniors Justin Kim and Mateo Membreno both reported this account reaching out to them in an attempt to “strike a deal.”

  “You guys are in multivariable, right?” said the account. “I got a sweet bargain for ya. I do you guys’ dirty work, and you send me scratch paper inside a binder or something, but make sure it’s not one of those annoying ones where one of the rings doesn’t match up. Staples got that good stuff, I’d steer clear of those ratty mainstream markets like Target. Oh, pocket protectors would do quite nicely too. Some even have snack pouches but hey I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m running low on paper so yeah just do the thing. Talk to ya soon! :))”

  Parents have voiced disdain towards the school in response to the transpired events. An anonymous parent spoke out about impending necessary change.

  “Listen up Trinity, you better stop letting reckless derivers into your program,” said the parent. “You know what? Your math department is like a math textbook. It has way too many problems! Hee hoo hee.”

  The federal judge overseeing Worcester’s case has stated that he likes messing with people and has given Worcester’s sentence in the form of a complex cyclical definite integral.

  “Because it’s funny, screw you,” said Judge Jacobian. “uv minus vdu, it’s not that hard fellas.”

  While Worcester currently awaits parole, we can only hope that as a Trinity family, we are capable of mustering up the courage and acceptance to move on from this tragic night in school history.