Dear Trinity Prep Community,
It has come to the school’s attention that a new outbreak of Not Checking Your Email-Itis (NCYE) has been sweeping through the Trinity Prep community like a tidal wave. We discovered this invasion when more than half of the school’s Google accounts were compromised by hackers.
An email was sent out in February, alerting students of the need to change their passwords. However, thanks to the new outbreak, it went largely ignored.
“I should have changed my password,” an anonymous student said. “My password was Cars123. I bet a monkey would have been able to hack it.”
“Yeah, that account was really easy to hack,” a local hacker monkey said after being caught.
Student scientists at the Nochur Sankar Institute of Science have conducted a study and reported that this disease has been quietly spreading among the U.S. population for 14 years now and affects roughly 33% of the population. One Trinity Prep student recently realized he had the disease upon his rediscovery of the Gmail app.
“I was pretty bored yesterday and decided to look through the apps on my phone,” sophomore Nathan James said. “That’s when I noticed the red bubble with an unusually high number in it next to an application with a big ‘M.’”
NYCE struck again when a Trinity Prep fundraiser’s $100,000 raffle prize sent through an email went unclaimed. The winner of the raffle only entered an email address onto their ticket, giving the organizers no other way to contact them. After a week of receiving no response, the organizers finally decided to pick a new winner.
“We waited one week and then we decided to pick another name because the first winner never responded,” the raffle organizer said. “To our surprise, a week after we emailed the second winner, we still haven’t gotten a response! I guess we will have to pick a third winner soon.”
Some local experts have concluded that this odd epidemic must have begun when an individual first caught the NYCE virus from a computer, causing them to ignore hundreds of emails. Then, the disease began to spread when people’s emails were ignored by somebody infected with NYCE, leading to students and regular people exhibiting signs of NYCE.
“NYCE could become the new common cold if it keeps on spreading,” science teacher Emily Massey-Burmeister said. “We might have to start using WeChat or Facebook Messenger soon.”
Experts say that a foolproof cure does not exist but is currently in the works. However, some have suggested joining an intensive email-responding boot camp in which participants participate in challenging exercises like turning on email push notifications, unsubscribing from spam and skimming notifications.
“This just might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” freshman boot camp participant Ryo Kimura said.
Companies like Apple have also begun developing new aids for NYCE. Their latest model, the iCheckYourEmail, sounds a deafening, high-pitched air horn every time you leave an email unopened for over an hour. Apple has already reported highly successful sales, boosting the Apple stock up 15% in the NYSE. One satisfied customer was asked to provide their input on the new device.
“What did you say the question was?” the customer shouted while massaging their temple, their head clearly in pain.
To prevent the further spread of NCYE throughout the Trinity Campus, we ask that students resolve to check their email at least twice a day. You never know when a $10,000,000 inheritance from a Nigerian prince could be waiting in your inbox.
And so students and faculty, I hope everybody can keep themselves safe from NYCE. I hope together we can overcome this disease and ensure that the community remains productive. For now, you may want to communicate using means other than email, especially if the message is something you actually want the person to read …
Godspeed,
Byron M. Lawson
