Imagine it is the final class of the day, your outfit is out of dress code and your tardies are through the roof. 7th period, you’re almost in the clear! Suddenly, the “Jaws” music starts playing and the Assistant Head of Upper School, Sebastian Blickman, manifests himself in your classroom. He begins calling out the names of students he needs to “speak with,” and you already know you’re about to be called. Statistically speaking, you have a far greater chance of being ambushed by Blickman than being attacked by a shark. Thus, here are the top ten hacks to survive getting Blick’ed in the middle of class:
1. DO NOT Make Direct Eye Contact
Like any vicious creature on these types of lists (sharks, alligators, kangaroos), Blickman can smell fear. Do not, and I repeat DO NOT, look him straight in the eyes. He will immediately become aware of every single violation of the student handbook you have committed and you’ll be stuck with Saturday detention.
2. Distract him!
Lucky for you soccer fans out there, Blickman is the head coach of the middle school boys’ soccer team and a football fanatic. When you’ve got nowhere else to turn, it’s time to get creative.
“We ended up arguing about the Champions League for over 30 minutes,” middle school goalkeeper and 7th grader Mateo Herrera said. “I said my favorite team was Chelsea and he said I had to run double the laps at practice…he still ended up giving me detention.”
3. Stop, Drop & Roll
Years of fire safety training can finally be put to use. Stop him right before he says you have detention, death-drop to the floor, and roll like your life depends on it. If you’re believable enough, he might run to send a school-wide email reminding all students and faculty to follow fire drill procedures, remain in a perfectly straight single-file line, and stand quietly in the gym as fire runs rampage throughout campus. This is the perfect opportunity to escape.
4. Start Crying Uncontrollably
The key is to really exaggerate the crying noises, don’t be afraid to guilt-trip him. Try to throw something in there about your permanent record. Best outcome is he feels sorry for you and drops the detention, worst outcome is he just looks away awkwardly.
5. Chant Mr Lawson’s name 3x in a row while spinning in a circle
Hahahahahahahahaha…I don’t think this works at all, I just wanna know his reaction. If you do this, plz dm and let me know (@thetrinityvoice).
6. Tell him the crows behind the grille pecked off your sleeves
Honestly, those crows have so much audacity this could totally happen in real life. When he asks if your shoulders are cold, respond back about how you are merely a victim of a ferocious feathered attack. The only issue would be if Blickman has learned how to tame the crows… that actually would explain a lot.
7. Tell him you volunteered as tribute
Look, Katniss didn’t have time to go to detention and neither do you. Blickman will just have to understand you have to leave District 12 (Trinity Prep) to take a trip to the capital (Literally anywhere else). I recommend having a bow and arrow on hand to make the bit more believable. Or you just show him the Snow Lands On Top Edit. He’ll get it.
8. Start speaking in a foreign language
This one can work, however, according to junior Diego Amador,
“I tried pretending I didn’t speak English and then he literally replied back que, ‘Tu camisa está malpuesta y ahora tienes detención.’”
Yep, you heard it here first, Blickman is fluent in Spanish, because, of course he is.
9. Hit him in the eyes, nose, and gills
…Wait that’s for a shark attack never mind.
10. Accept Defeat…
As a last resort, if all else on this list fails, just bravely stand there as he lists off your offenses and punishments… then, when he is least expecting it, make a mad dash for the flagpole. Never let them know your next move, start climbing.
