It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No wait — it’s fellow Quinn McKenzie’s GOATED Goatee. This isn’t just any facial hair — students and staff have speculated that it holds magical superpowers capable of transforming one’s life. What was once just a mere fairytale has been confirmed by countless bystanders, both students and teachers alike. His goatee possesses many great powers — some of which are more impressive than your friendly neighborhood Spiderman.
Debate Powers
Motion activated with just a wave of the hand, McKenzie’s beard flashes bright vibrant green. It’s no coincidence that Trinity boasts one of the most impressive track records in Florida for speech and debate. With the beard’s intense, radiating aura, opponents collapse upon entering the room, ensuring students have the ability to win debates before they even start.
“I just sit back, relax and let my beard do its thing,” McKenzie said. “It writes students’ cases and completes their speeches. At this point, I’m just there for moral support.”
Most notably, senior Jonah Downs achieved the status as a national champion thanks to the help of McKenzie’s beard, giving him a competitive advantage over other opponents.
“I couldn’t have done it without his beard,” Downs said. “In fact, his beard and I would stay up all night researching and coming up with the latest speeches.”
Not only does his beard train younger students, but it also transfers magical superpowers.
“Being on the final stage was nerve-wracking,” Downs said. “I thought it was over. Just then, I looked over, and in the corner of my eye I saw his beard glowing bright green. It gave me a magical power that made me more confident, alert and intelligent. I became the alpha.”
Healing Powers
It’s no secret that the nurse left, but many are unaware of the true reason. While it was officially announced that she had to retire, the real reason is because of the beard’s advanced healing powers.
Just going in close proximity to it can physically alter your body and eliminate any pathogens and illnesses one may experience.
“I felt as if my life was over,” sophomore Spencer Yoho said. “All hope was lost. My fever reached an unbearable level of 160 C. Just when I lost all hope, I passed by McKenzie’s beard and felt an instant wave of relief. This holy beard saved my life.”
Companionship
Feeling lonely? Well not anymore. McKenzie’s beard offers personalized conversations making sure no one ever feels left out. With just a wave of a hand, it talks about anything ranging from the latest blockbuster film to the challenging algebra test everyone has been stressing over.
“After playing the new Fortnite season, I didn’t have any friends to talk to about it with,” sophomore Sam Wang said. “While sitting under a tree one afternoon, I saw McKenzie’s beard drift towards me. I was terrified. Just then, it started to speak to me. I asked if it played the new Fortnite season, and he told me how it cranked 90s and even got a Victory Royale. I was astonished. It even gave me his player tag, so I could play later with it.”
Not only is it great at small talk, but it also plans lessons and lectures.
“Being a history teacher requires lots of preparation in advance,” McKenzie said. “Now I just let my beard know what to do, and it completes it effectively. Seeing how great it was at planning lessons, I decided to let it teach my class — something that I will never regret. Remember kids, work smarter not harder.”
As the legend of McKenzie’s beard continues to spread, time will only tell when its greatness reaches from sea to shining sea. An inspiration to the youth, the beard teaches us the value of hard work and dedication. It shows us how even small things can make a huge difference. And who knows, one day he will pass on the beard to the next generation of Americans.
