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The Kwammentary: Who gives a Snap?

ANDREW KWA, GRAPHICS EDITOR

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Here’s a little problem for all you math-fanatics out there:

If Debbie has more than 130 Snapchat friends, and she has maintained streaks for at least 230 days with said Snapchat friends, how much of Debbie’s life has she wasted sending one-second chin shots and blank screens devoid of any text, save for “streaks” lazily typed across the middle, in order to maintain a simple fire emoji?  Round your answer to the nearest hundredth, of course.

The answer: approximately a metric heck-ton.

Listen.  I’m not saying that I don’t love being surrounded by, yet not interacting with, the only living species on this planet with which intellectual discussion is actually possible.  I’m saying that the experience isn’t exactly my cup of loose-leaf herbal Teavana brand tea.  Trying to relate my excessive sorrows and doubts to the fish in my fishtank just isn’t the same as communicating with a good ol’ homo sapien.

You may be wondering, “But Mr. Kwa!  Why should we care about how others waste the precious time of their youth?  Isn’t the goal of life to shine bright and, in the words of revered pop artist Ke$ha, ‘die young?'”

Okay, real talk.  Like Oprah’s talk show level of real talk.  Maintaining those precious two to three digits next to your friend’s name will never actually affect anybody on the physical plane.  You know, where actual things happen.  The biggest reaction you will probably ever get out of the average Joe on the street for telling him about your 400-day Snap streak with Becky is probably a raised set of eyebrows and him thinking, “Well golly.  They sure have a lot of time on their hands.”

Disclaimer: you can still be a great person and frivolously maintain Snap streaks!  We just need to take it down several notches.  For example, right now, we’re at the top of Mount Everest.  Let’s take it down to the modest level of the Dead Sea.

Specifically, Snap streaks are cared for more meticulously than most kids are raised by their parents (hello, Brad Pitt).  The excess of emotion I see caused by a simple loss of a fire emoji is ludicrous, in my opinion.  The reactions of friends when Snap streaks are broken would cause one to think that a dog had been killed, life savings had been stolen and the leftmost door had been entered.

The ability to effectively communicate the complex and developed ideas that flow through our gifted minds is one of the main factors that distinguishes humanity from the animal kingdom.  Thus, when surrounded by your peers, enjoy the moment and converse!  Genuine conversation holds significantly more weight than a chin shot (well, depending upon how many chins you have).  In the end, the flames of friendship burn brighter than any emoji.

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The Kwammentary: Who gives a Snap?