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The Kwammentary: This Trinity trainwreck has transcended to tranquility

ANDREW KWA, GRAPHICS EDITOR

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   I’m going to level with you here. I’m really tired. I am writing this at 2:00 in the morning. My brain can somehow craft copious amounts of Guy Fieri memes but refuse to comprehend a Spanish reading that a child with one episode of Dora the Explorer under his or her belt would find easy. My body is shaking like a nuclear-powered chihuahua because of the approximately four cappuccinos I’ve downed in the last hour, but there’s a fairly hefty five-second delay between my brain deciding upon a course of action and actually acting upon said course of action.

   All in all, it’s a normal night for me.

   The impact that the Trinity workload has had on my sanity is equivalent to the impact a sledgehammer would have on a breath mint. While the chance of becoming the star quarterback of the varsity football team once enchanted me into attending this school, five years here have both robbed me of that magnificent dream and irreparably damaged me—something that can best be described as a complex variant of the “dog treat, dog yeet” maneuver.

   My sense of humor no longer has any rhyme or reason to it. Ten words alone from General Grievous in Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith, “Your lightsabers will make a fine addition to my collection,” have driven me to tears of laughter.

   I’ve developed odd hobbies: I now watch ASMR videos on a daily basis, where people just whisper and tap things in your ears. Don’t judge. There are far weirder methods of coping, like exercising for fun or going vegan.

   I’m also fairly certain that constantly being stressed out has affected my bowels.

   The only way I could possibly feel more empty inside is if you told me that roughly 75 percent of my education will never serve any functional purpose in my life.

   Oh, wait.

   However, it is true that, in order to build up, one must first break down (in my case, a couple of times). Indeed, just as the graceful phoenix rises up from its ashes, I too have sprung up from the shattered remains of my will to live a prosperous life, and I have ascended to achieve a higher level of existence. I have achieved enlightenment, and I am here to spread my message:

   Absolutely nothing that you do in this lifetime will ever matter. Stop now while you still can.

   However, while I cannot blame the misled youth of my generation for their naiveté—such is the cruel nature of fate—the truly guilty culprit is authority, more specifically, teachers. How dare you try to shackle me down to this earthly plane with your promises of “success” and “happiness?” I am a graceful bird of flight soaring in the sky. Your assignments forcing me to learn who on Earth Shah Jahan is and why I should care about Avogadro’s number are the weighted nets that bind me to the ground and tear at my beautiful feathers. College is meaningless when one fully resides within the spiritual plane.  School is meaningless.  Effort is meaningless.

   Ascend, my friends. Ascend towards a higher existence.

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The Kwammentary: This Trinity trainwreck has transcended to tranquility