Aura. Need I say more? I will. We’ve heard of auramaxxing. We know about negative aura. But here comes a new fad heading towards Nanus Nation. Aura Ranking.
In this bodacious blurb of mine, I plan on doing two things: make administration chuckle and rank the aura of faculty.
2 million aura points: Nurse White
Healer of boo boos and provider of ice packs, Nurse White is a heavily underrated point-getter. Out on the dangerous blades known as grass, in the thunderdome known as The Quad, we have all borne witness to Billy the middle schooler sustaining a code red, ice pack-deserving injury. But in a lickety-split dash to the scene, Nurse White is ready and prepared for whatever scenario shoes without any traction leave for her.
911 billion aura points: Barry
Everybody knows him. We all love him. Ladies and gentleman, give a warm round of applause (inside voices, please) to Mr. Barry. Whether you’re an avid fan of security guards riding golf carts around a campus the size of a large swimming pool or an eager driver waiting to be let out of the pit of cluster and despair (the parking lot), Barry is a friend to all.
With an amiable personality, Barry gracefully protects the streets of Trinity day and night, rain or shine. No matter your GPA or favorite type of french fry (waffle-cut for life), Barry will make your day with his unconditional wave and resolved dedication to our school’s security.
Infinite Aura: Chris from the Grille
The man. The myth. The legend. Chris. Coming from a Jack, I can attest that he is in fact a Jack-of-all-trades. Indisputably, Chris is the boss of breakfast burritos, folder of quesadillas and master of extraordinary small talk.
To achieve the rank of infinite aura, one must truly embody the essence of a demure yet delightful outlook (i.e. literally just Chris).
Honorable Mention – Coach Sukup
Every Saint’s dream is to spend their entire life playing matball, dodgeball and kickball and, most of all, getting paid for it. But only one man gets to stand atop the height of humanity: Coach Sukup.
What he lacks in hair follicles, he more than makes up for in his massive calves and daft dad jokes.
My dear colleagues, I challenge you to use your inquisitive minds for good. Don’t go around comparing teachers in a degrading way, but instead, use your aura-radar to uplift and compliment fellow Saints.