February 5, 2025

Dear applicant:

Welcome to Commentaaron College! It is with the utmost pleasure that I write this satirical article to congratulate you on your admission to our class 2029! It was a pretty tough decision between you and 78 million other students, but we are happy to inform you that you made it into the 0.03% students we are admitting. 

Being such an outstanding accomplishment on your behalf, we wanted to inform you of the factor (yes, only one) that went into our admission decision: your club.

While it’s great and all that you have a perfect GPA, are the captain of three different varsity sports and have more community service hours than x2VOL is able to log, we really care more about that cute thing you run during the 25 minute break your school has once in a millennium. 

We are glad to hear that you founded your very own prestigious institution, Breakfast Club (a pretty good ’80s reference if I do say so myself), a club for all foods served during any time from sausages at senior sunrise to middle block mozzarella sticks. Since your school only has 200 clubs, we are sure that starting a club must be a very high honor for you. 

Furthermore, we were exceptionally ecstatic when reading about all of your club’s prolific accomplishments: writing cards on colored paper and sending them to people who don’t have access to french toast and eggs benedict. Kudos, by the way, for delivering a three-slide presentation on how the lack of such foods negatively impacts mental health during an Upper School assembly. 

While we regret to hear that your school still utilizes such an archaic form of capital punishment to force students to hear information they could easily get from an email, it is just absolutely fantastic that your Breakfast Club is informing fellow students on such a crucial issue.

For this reason alone, we are happy to let you and the Breakfast Club’s accountant, secretary, historian, activities manager and two members — who show up to meetings as often as our school wins a state championship in a sport — all into our college with a full ride. Congratulations and welcome to Commentaaron College’s School of Computer Science.