Voice Staff Censors Admin

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Let's Get Down to Liziness, Staff Housewife

   In an unprecedented move, The Voice staff has flipped the script and begun to censor administration. Students and faculty alike were shocked by the sudden shift in power, leading many to question how this was even possible. When asked about the new capabilities of The Voice staff, layout editor Matthew Mapa explained that the process was surprisingly simple.

   “Turns out all you need to do to gain authority in this school is add a clause to the Student Handbook,” Mapa said. “It was a piece of cake. I highly recommend other clubs and student organizations try it.” 

   With the new clause in place, the entire staff has the ability to prevent any member of administration from saying, writing and distributing any information the staff believes could be disruptive to the student body. 

   “Every Wednesday at upper school assembly, I try to impart a bit of wisdom,” upper school principal Patrick Mulloy said. “I had this great story lined up about a woman I met who was scrubbing the algae off of turtles’ shells when a member of The Voice staff confiscated my notes right before assembly and told me I was not allowed to share the story because it exhibited ‘non-consensual scrubbing.’” 

   Mulloy has since been prohibited from making any further announcements. With their new power, the students on The Trinity Voice staff have found ways to use censorship for their own personal gain. Teachers have complained that tests and homework assignments that appeared on Canvas one day were gone the next. 

   “I have absolutely no idea how that could have happened,” focus editor Alexis Huang said, as she hastily minimized a page on her computer. 

   Similarly, many inconvenient sections of the Student Handbook and honor code have also been nullified by the staff. While it is still unclear what portion of the student body these edits apply to, The Voice staff is taking full advantage of them.

   “I’m not a huge fan of walking from class to class, so I liberated Mr. Lawson’s golf cart for my own use,” said managing editor Grace Beneke. “It was practically calling my name. It’s not used enough as it is.”

   Beneke is now regularly seen careening through the quad at upwards of 30 miles per hour in Lawson’s golf cart on her way to class. Students have been warned to remain alert and be prepared to clear pathways at a moment’s notice. Another unforeseen consequence stems from the technicalities of the new student handbook clause. While not officially a part of the staff, class Adviser Erin Miller has also begun using The Voice’s censorship powers during the school day.

   “My name is listed in the Masthead,” Miller said. “As far as I’m concerned, censorship is fair game for me.”

   Students of Miller’s AP Language and Composition class have reported that Miller regularly takes numerous, extended coffee breaks during their class time. When asked about her behavior, Miller said that her break schedule was not violating any rules and that no one had told her she could not do it. Miller failed to mention that any time she was confronted by a member of administration, she promptly “censored” them. Without the ability to tell Miller that her behavior is unacceptable, admin has had no choice but to let her continue.

   “I really need this time for my mental health,” Miller said. “Next week, I’m taking the whole English department to Fun Spot during first period.”

   With no end in sight, The Trinity Voice staff can be expected to extend their censorship influence. Until a time when the staff and administration can come to an agreement, Trinity will continue to suffer in silence.