Trinity Prep English teacher Dean Rhoads recently announced his candidacy for the 2020 election last week to a roaring crowd of thousands of supporters, declaring himself to be the true heir to the throne of the United States. Over the course of his 40 years at Trinity Prep, Rhoads is known for being an avid napper, even missing classes to catch up on some much needed sleep. Inspired by his own lifestyle, Rhoads unveiled his “Naptime for All” plan, and has made it the central issue of his campaign.
“I want to ensure every American has the right to sleep whenever they want and wherever they want,” Rhoads said. “Sleeping should have been the first amendment to the Bill of Rights, it’s a real shame they forgot about it. If I’m elected, you can be sure that your right to sleep will be protected.”
Rhoads wants to take his ideas developed over his four decades on campus onto the national stage, hoping they will catch on among voters across the political spectrum. In a recent debate against fellow candidates, Rhoads took an interesting approach.
“It’s obvious why you should vote for me, because I’m the youngest candidate on this stage,” Rhoads said to thunderous applause. “If I don’t know something, then it’s not worth knowing, so you can be sure I will always say what needs to be said. Also, with Bernie over here caring all about the 1 percent, what about 2 percent milk? It’s just too sweet!”
Rhoads’ policies include replacing the U.S. Army’s weapons with Elon Musk’s flamethrowers, funding time travel research, eradicating the common cold, and replacing the national anthem with “Country Rhoads.”
“I feel that not only does every American love the song Country Roads, but I hope that all voters will be able to see that Dean Rhoads will be able to take the country home to its roots,” Rhoads said.
Rhoads’ campaign will face some early bumps in the road due to his late start on the campaign trail, but he hopes that voters will soon grow to admire his candidacy.
Trinity’s Director of Forensics Nathan Johnston recently endorsed Rhoads, and believes he will make a great president and Commander-in-Chief.
“I’ve worked with him for many years as a part of the forensics team, and you can be sure that he will get the job done…when he’s not asleep,” Johnston said. “As long as he doesn’t decide to take a nap during nuclear war, I think we will be fine.”
Social Studies teacher William Milsten believes Rhoads doesn’t go far enough with his policies.
“I think Rhoads needs to broaden his appeal,” Milsten said. “His Naptime for All program will simply cost too much money, and I don’t think people need that much sleep. I also think that it would be better to change the national anthem to a U2 song, because they’re much better.”
Rhoads has also recently announced his Vice Presidential Candidate as math teacher Gene Dennis.
“Dean and Gene for the WEEN,” an emphatic Dennis said. “It rhymes, so it’s perfect! I really believe that the vision Mr. Rhoads and I believe in will be the best for the American people.”
Dennis is a controversial pick, however, with many Rhoads supporters angered over Dennis’ previous teaching of Physics courses.
“I will never vote for someone who supports the torture of physics classes,” Junior Ethan Cogdill said. “That’s a dealbreaker for me.”
As the campaign continues on, Rhoads hopes that his experience as a teacher will carry him to victory.
“I have the vast knowledge of romantic poetry at my disposal, so what could possibly go wrong?” Rhoads said.