Uncovering the immortals on campus


Emma Kim, Layout Editor

   After close examination and investigation over the years, several Trinity students and faculty members speculate that a few teachers on campus appear younger than they really are.

   Science teacher Scottie Smith has been brewing up suspicion ever since she arrived at Trinity three years ago. Sophomore Kaley Frye, a student in Smith’s Honors Chemistry class, said that as a freshman, she admired Smith for her constant vitality. However, after joining her class this year, Frye’s reverence turned into concern. She said she started to become wary of Smith when she witnessed her picking up a burning hot flask from a pot of boiling water with her bare hands.

   “My suspicions were confirmed when I saw her accidentally drink from a cup of hydrochloric acid instead of from her water bottle,” Frye said. “When she realized, she just shrugged and continued grading our tests which, by the way, I failed, because I was too disturbed by the amount of endurance she’s built up since the beginning of time to actually focus on my answers.”

   After questioning Smith’s “daughter,” Lainey Wilemon, even more uncertainties have surfaced. Wilemon claims that she was happily living with her actual family until Smith suddenly appeared with a proposal.

   “She just showed up at my door one day and offered me candy in return for pretending to be her daughter so that she can appear more ‘normal’ to her coworkers,” Wilemon said. “Obviously, after being lectured by my parents for several years about not interacting with strangers, I immediately took the candy and followed her to her house. Now I have to learn science facts every morning while she drives me to school, but on the bright side I get paid hourly for acting, one of my favorite hobbies.”

   Junior Tsehai de Souza said that Social Science teacher Isiah Cabal, who only just arrived at Trinity last school year, is also a suspect. She insisted that Cabal could name so many oddly specific facts about every era of history that there was “no way he didn’t live through them.” Even a year after taking his class, she has still been unable to resolve her skepticism.

   “He has this painting, ‘Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks,’ framed on his wall,” de Souza said. “After a full block period of neglecting classwork and staring at it, trying to figure out what he liked so much about it, I realized that the guy on the leftmost side of the canvas is definitely him. And that painting is from the 1800s or something.”

   De Souza applauds Cabal’s decision to teach world history and believes it was a clever choice.

   “He can pretend he’s just interested in teaching the subject while he’s really just relaying everything he can remember from his past,” de Souza said. “At the beginning of the year, I questioned some of the facts he gave us, but I eventually stopped. You can’t argue with a primary source.”

   Students of Mathematics Department Chair Donald Worcester have also come forth, confessing their questionable encounters involving him.

   “I was at Coffee Factory the other day when I saw Mr. Worcester ordering 50 shots of espresso,” senior Lili Pope said. “I don’t know how many years it takes to build up that much resistance to caffeine, but he’s certainly in the four-digits, at the very least. I’m pretty sure he’s slowly transformed himself into a robot over the years and now only survives off of coffee and sarcasm.”

   It is suspected that Worcester originally came to Trinity as a scout to find an area for possible future domination, and upon finding the campus a suitable place for inhabitation, invited Smith in 2017 and then Cabal the next year. Pope said she noticed Worcester was abnormally distressed about having to move into a shared office space this year and believes that is because he is now unable to privately invite his other immortal affiliates to assist him in conquering Trinity.

   There have been speculations that another immortal may have joined staff this year, and junior Hanson Zhang said he might know who it is. While taking Cabal’s class last year, Zhang noticed that he always stood outside his door before each of his classes. At first, he assumed that Cabal just wanted to get some fresh air or boost his image by greeting his students before each period, but he soon realized that wasn’t the case.

   “He’s keeping an eye out for any teachers or students who might have caught on about his immortality,” Zhang said. “I don’t believe for a second that the previous APUSH teacher Mr. Brown decided to leave on his own. Last year, I saw Mr. Cabal sprint after him at full speed and body slam him to the ground at the parking lot area. He was definitely caught spreading rumors by Mr. Cabal and replaced with Ms. Grenz. She might even be one of them too.”

   The administration is currently looking into these allegations and requests that students and faculty alert them of any other possible immortals on campus.