Administration Announces Ambitious 1000 Year Plan


Chicken Zehnders

Trinity students and teachers took to the quad before Spring Break to protest the administration’s announcement of the controversial 50 Year Plan.

   “This is an outrage! Where’s the boat house? Where’s the back nine?” shouted Cameron Thompson.

   Administrators scrambled to appease the vehement student body and within the hour had drawn up revised plans to usher in a new era of Trinity Prep world domination. 

“We are confident that this new plan will satisfy everyone’s needs to an unnecessary extent,” said former Upper School Principal and newly appointed Lord of Assemblies Pat Mulloy.

   The 1000 Year Plan, also known as Trinity 2, also known as TRNTY, also known as The People’s Republic of Trinity, has received widespread praise. Trinity students and teachers, all six feet apart, took to the quad again (an action illustrative of the need for more gathering spaces), to hold a celebration.

   The minute details of the plan are forthcoming, but the Voice has obtained secret documents detailing some of the future projects currently in the works.

   Firstly, within 100 years, the administration intends to expand Trinity’s sphere of influence to include the entire Orlando area, citing the need for additional tennis courts. 

   The next priority will be tackling the problem of transportation. Fear not, administration has ensured the Voice staff that the 20 miles between the new cafeteria (also known as GRLL) and the new chapel (dubbed The Vatican 2.0) will be easily covered by an extensive system of above ground boardwalks. 

   “Boardwalks are the epitome of travel,” said known Coney Island enthusiast Brandon Burmeister. “What’s walking a marathon for the cool, refreshing taste of a Diet Coke?”

   The plans also make reference to a system of pneumatic tubes, referred to as Operation Hamster. Administration declined to comment on the existence of such a system. Judging from the rough sketches written in red crayon, the tube system would shoot beloved members of the Trinity family across the new campus with supersonic speed. However, the logistics are still questionable: “Why not just drive?” the crayon’s owner pleads on the sketch, seemingly asking themselves. 

   In the new plan, senior parking is listed as a top priority. With the added land, seniors will even get their own lot. Administration would like to clarify that Trinity 2 allots an entire parking lot per enrolled senior, not just one per class.

   With transportation covered, the plans also detail an expansion strategy known as “Motel Warfare,” essentially every building’s rooms must open to the outside, like the genius architect behind Holloway Hall once envisioned.

   Spearheading the effort will be former Upper School Dean Kelly Aull. When approached for comment on her questionable architectural philosophy, the newly appointed Sergeant Major merely replied, “Because it’s so nice outside today.”

   As a columnist who is often critical of administration’s decisions, I have to say this plan truly has it all.