A-Listers Infest Campus

After+word+spread+that+Cody+Simpson+was+using+the+Trinity+pool+to+train%2C+dozens+of+more+celebrities+have+reached+out+to+use+our+facilities.+Be+sure+to+check+out+Dua+Lipa+and+Dua+Lupa%27s+performance+on+our+Instagram+Live%21

Adobe Sweet

After word spread that Cody Simpson was using the Trinity pool to train, dozens of more celebrities have reached out to use our facilities. Be sure to check out Dua Lipa and Dua Lupa’s performance on our Instagram Live!

Amy Kachow

   “La Da Dee” singer and Olympic Qualifier Cody Simpson has been spotted swimming laps in the Trinity pool for the past few weeks. His presence on campus has been reported in various articles ranging from local news outlets like Hollywood Fix to world renowned, 3 Michelin Star, Jeffree star approved, #1 Private School in Orlando Niche rated publications such as The Trinity Voice. As the buzz grows, more A-list celebrities are reaching out to use Trinity’s facilities for their own purposes. 

   “Donald Trump contacted me recently,” Social Science teacher Isiah Cabal said. “He actually asked to rent out my classroom since he was exiled from D.C.. I knew my Airbnb listing would attract some homeless friends!”

   Trump was reportedly residing at Trinity to easily access the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) hosted in the Grille. However, the event ended abruptly right when Ted Cruz arrived from Cancun and a COVID outbreak ensued shortly after. 

   When Trinity opened back up, the Grammy Recording Academy asked to host their award show in the black box theatre. Dua Lipa, one of the star winners of the night, opened the show with her hit song “One Kiss”. However, her solo performance was soon interrupted when College Counselor star Maya Lupa strutted onstage. 

   “One acceptance is all it takes,” Lupa said. “Call me Maya Lipa from now on!”

   Although shocked, Dua Lipa reported that she was absolutely blown away by her effortless splits and backflips. She even asked Lupa to walk the cross country red carpet bridge with her. Dua Lipa and Maya “Lipa” Lupa were both adorning custom gowns made from Trevor Packer’s head team of designers at CollegeBoard Industries. 

   “Slay,” senior LuLu Garnett commented. 

   The whole cast of iCarly, a hit webshow, even requested to film some of their skits on campus. Upper School Dean of students Kelly Aull was soon inspired by their loyal fan base and successful website that she started her own web series dubbed “iKelly.” Aull had skits that included “Random Shifts of Aggregate Demand” and “Messin’ with my 4th Period Mic Mac Class.”

   Aull was clearly in over her head when she quit her full time job so she could pursue her dream as a Twitch live streamer. The iKelly show averages around zero views and three likes from the users @notkellyaull, @definitelynotkellyaull, and @kellyaulldoppleganger. Last week, she reportedly hacked into Trinity’s morning announcement live stream and broadcasted her own show for 17 minutes before technicians were able to cut her off. 

   “Not slay,” Garnett said. 

   She even begged the Yearbook staff to put her as “Most likely to become famous” in this year’s Chi Rho. With over 100 iKelly merchandise blankets unsold, dozens of restraining orders from students, and 13 hours worth of life-threatening iKelly footage, Aull finally returned to campus to do what she does best: torture (or teach I guess) her students again.