Trinity’s “My Strange Addictions”

Top%3A+Dr.+Dryden+just+can%27t+shake+her+addiction+to+cutting+kids+off+in+her+golf+cart%2C+leading+to+dangerous+consquences%2C%0ABottom%3A+%22the+boys+%F0%9F%87%BA%F0%9F%87%B8%F0%9F%A5%B5%F0%9F%90%9F%E2%80%99.%E2%80%9D+show+off+their+addiction+to+posting+dead+fish+on+instagram.

Anuha Tatineni and Courtesy of Mason Dowdy and Henry Brown

Top: Dr. Dryden just can’t shake her addiction to cutting kids off in her golf cart, leading to dangerous consquences, Bottom: “the boys 🇺🇸🥵🐟’.” show off their addiction to posting dead fish on instagram.

   Recently, something fishy has been going on at Trinity Prep. The Quad has been filled with more unnecessary announcements in assembly, TPO moms force feeding students cookies at Saint Stops, and teachers saying “I’ll wait.” It seems that after lockdown, people became more focused on their interests than ever before — to an almost unhealthy, addictive point.

   Therefore, because the administrators obviously care more about the well-being of students than they do the image of the school, they set up a support group for members of the Trinity family dealing with strange addictions. The Voice was able to get a transcript of their most recent meeting and have decided to release it to the public.

 

Proceed with caution. 

Wednesday, March 13th (A day) (or B day) (maybe even G day) (we can’t really keep up at this point)

   “Thank you everyone for coming,” former Kremlin operative and current TikTok intern to Michael Arney, Kelly Aull said. “You all are making a step in the right direction just by being here. I’d like to start with Mr. Mulloy; the stage is yours.”

   “Thank you, Kelly,” Mulloy said as he let out a big sigh. “It’s taken a lot of strength to come to terms with who I am, but I’m ready to be vulnerable. Here it goes … I’m addicted to wearing my mom’s handmade needlepoint belts. It started out as a hobby. Plaid belts, belts with fleur de lis, even the belt with the bears was relatively normal. And what’s worse is that my mom continues to feed my addiction — she is out of control. Like just yesterday, I texted my mom I might be lactose intolerant, and this morning a belt with a bunch of people crying while drinking milk appears at my door. Like what are my coworkers supposed to think if I show up as the dairy antichrist??”

   “I feel you, Patrick,” librarian Reba Gordon said. “I’m having an identity crisis too. It’s the bitmojis. At first they seemed fun and harmless, but I’m addicted to using them everywhere. There’s a print-out on my desk, one on the refrigerator, I even put a giant cardboard cut-out bitmoji of myself in my car, so I can use the carpool lane. I got pulled over last week and had a lot of explaining to do. But, I’m starting to identify more as a bitmoji than as a human, and I think the other middle school teachers are too. I even dream in bitmoji. I just don’t even know who I am anymore.”

   “I can’t escape the bitmojis,” sophomore Sarah Bachrach added. “Every time I turn around there they are.”

   “I see where you both are coming from, and we have a lot to work on,” Aull said. “Next on my list … uhh all I have for a name is ‘the boys 🇺🇸🥵🐟’.”

   “Oh that’s us,” said a group of sophomore boys adorned with Vineyard Vines shirts and half of their slip-on shoes hanging off their feet. 

   “We don’t think we have a problem,” an anonymous self-proclaimed ‘bro’ said. “But our girlfriends made us come here. They have a problem with our addiction to posting dead fish on Instagram and wearing short shorts in -36 degrees weather. But I don’t see what the problem is; at least we don’t wear tennis skirts unironically like the senior girls.”

   “Hey!!” senior Grace Field screamed from the back. “It’s a serious addiction that’s not to be joked about. I’ve never once played tennis, and I probably never will, but there’s just something about overpaying for a spandex skirt from Lulu Lemon that gives me an adrenaline rush like no other. At least I don’t wear yoga pants like the PTA moms.”

   “Enough you two,” Aull said. “This is supposed to be a safe space. If you both can’t cooperate, I will have to give you the most severe punishment in the school.”

   “Expulsion?” Field asked.

   “What?” Aull said. “Never. We will just ‘ask you to leave’ and not address the actual problem. Anyways, next we have a surprising guest. Dr. Dryden?”

   “Yes, I’m here because I’ve been getting some complaints from parents,” Dryden said. “They said I’ve been a little too aggressive on my golf cart and have been running over some of the middle schoolers. It’s not my fault! If they had run as fast as they do to P.E. for no reason, they wouldn’t have been hit! Actually, the other administrators and I love to cut kids off in our golf carts. It’s why I got into education in the first place, but apparently it’s become an obsession.”

   “Thank you, Dr. Dryden. That was very insightful and slightly disturbing. And speaking of sixth graders, I’m surprised they aren’t here today. I would have thought they would be seeking help for their addiction to wearing matching neon Nike elite outfits. Hmm. Last to speak today will be Mr. Arney.”

   “Huh, what?” Arney said. “Sorry I wasn’t paying attention, I forgot we weren’t in a staff meeting. Anyways, I’ve come to discuss TikTok dances. Other teachers might be addicted to creating breakout rooms that no one talks in or using the word unprecedented in every email, but not me. I spent all of quarantine trying to learn the ‘Savage’ dance, and I have two and a half followers, so I think I’ve made it big enough to quit this whole teaching thing. But I can’t get out of my contract, and the IRS doesn’t buy that as an up-and-coming TikTok star, I should qualify for nonprofit tax breaks, so I guess I’m stuck here.”

End Transcript.

   Trinity has a lot of work to do if it wants to improve the lives of its students, which it always puts at the forefront of its mission over raising money. Always. We hope that something can be done about these strange addictions, for the sake of the addicted, their loved ones and the Trinity Instagram account.