SATIRE: Dr. P’s Monthly Horoscope


With the aid of space chemist Dr. P, we bring to you

Dr.P’s Monthly Horoscope:

Aries (March 21-April 19):  You are determined. When you set a goal for yourself, you see it through to the end. This may be your lucky month. Maybe you’ll pass Ms. Farmer’s class… just maybe… probably not…  but maybe… 

Taurus (April 20-May 20):  Your Venus’ sun rotation is 10° from the tangent to Gemini’s moon’s star. I don’t know what this means but hopefully it’s good, ask Dr. Clanton.

Gemini (May 21-June 21):  You are always curious and eager to try new things. Don’t worry, we won’t tell Mrs. Aull that you turn your camera off to go to Chick-Fil-A.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): You are charitable and generous. After spending your money at the Grille all year for your friends, you are now going to have to sharpen your sweet talking skills to swoon Marisol at the register. 

Leo (July 23-August 22): Dr. P is a Leo. Do with that what you will.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): You are quiet and introverted. You didn’t actually believe a virus existed, you just went online because you didn’t want to see your classmates. How will you pull this off next year?

Libra (September 23-October 23): You are virtuous, and you always follow your moral compass. You are actually going to show up to chapel this month because you realize it’s the right thing to do…

… but also because you need to catch up on sleep and the chairs are pretty comfy. 

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): You are smart, savvy and perceptive. With your quick discernment skills you will soon find out that Thomas Lightsey gets his weekly jokes from r/memes.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Isn’t this a beyblade?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19):  You are patient and attentive— a ready listener. Too bad this doesn’t apply to remote learning.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18):  You are an overachiever, always striving to be the best. You thought you could handle 7 AP’s in one year. Wow, did your ego mislead you.Pisces (February 19-March 20): You are usually pessimistic. Last March you bought a year’s worth of toilet paper and haven’t left home since. It’s time to restock.