SATIRE: Prom Behind Bars


Twin #2

     In an attempt to throw a safe yet fun school dance this year, the great minds of Trinity held a meeting to discuss this year’s prom. After much deliberation, the location was finally decided: the local prison.

     “Safety is and has always been our top priority,” said Student Body President Thomas Lightsey. “At our prom this year, students will be able to relax and really just enjoy themselves, without worrying about the dangers of the outside world.”

     Adults are excited about the location as well.

     “Prom is probably my least favorite day of the year,” said Mathematics chair Donald Worcester. “I’m so happy, both for my sake and for everyone else’s, that we finally get a night off.”

     The dance will be kicked off with a formal escort by the police, who generously volunteered to act as our chauffeurs for the event. In a spacious Dodge Charger, students can enjoy the scenic route to their destination. With crowds eagerly cheering the drivers, fist pumping, and for some reason trying to call “a cab” (I don’t know why either), it will be a memorable experience for all. No need to worry about Uber or hiring a driver, students can feel free to party hard knowing they’ll always have a ride home!

     “You understand that I’m a police officer right,” said Officer Bickenbach. “I can and will arrest you.”

     Once escorted in by their driver, students will be shown to their designated seating areas. In a charming 6 ft x 8 ft room, each with its own toilet, bed, and table, students can enjoy some alone time with their dates before the dinner begins.

     After settling in, each student will be given attire for the night. A beautiful shade of orange, the suits are designed to ensure everyone looks and feels their best.

     “Wait, this is literally just a prison jumpsuit,” said senior Caio Marques.

     Dinner will be provided in the common area, served in a cafeteria-esque manner to help students reminisce about their favorite high school memories. The chefs are planning on going above and beyond, with rice, beans and TWO hot dogs per person. Prepare to feast. After dinner, a DJ will play mediocre pop and hip-hop music for everyone to dance to, as well as karaoke country music at the end to spice things up.

     The administration wants to clarify that COVID-19 is still its top priority. To alleviate a potential outbreak, a new rule was put in place; everyone has heard that you need to leave room for Jesus when you dance, but this year the administration wants you to leave room for multiple Jesuses (at least two but preferably three).

    “Maybe the virus could slip past one Jesus, but no way it’s getting past two or three,” said Lightsey.

     Finally, comes everyone’s favorite, the naming of the prom king and queen. Tripp Toshie will likely win both of them (yes, both king and queen). It will be interesting to see this happen. 

    Regardless of how this year’s prom turns out, we know the juniors are working their hardest trying to make the experience enjoyable for everyone. 

     “I’ve worked really hard planning this prom,” said Prom Chair Kara Wilcox. “I’ve shopped for dresses for 3 hours.”

     Hopefully everyone enjoys this year’s prom.