SATIRE: Sukup Exposed For Fake Calves


Ella Craghill

Physical Education Coach Scott Sukup spotted showing off large calves to students as they walk to class.

David Hull, Sports Writer

   As seventh grade students walk into their physical education class, they can’t focus on their assignments, distracted by the massive calves of their coach, Scott Sukup. Sukup holds no resentment when showing off his incredible physical appearance to students. After years of pondering the question, ‘how did his calves get so big?’, we have finally found the answer. 

   Assistant Athletic Director Rita Kienle had noticed Sukup’s calves grow to an abnormal size multiple years ago, but others don’t seem to notice. 

   “They seemed to have doubled in size over a couple of weeks,” Kienle said. “I didn’t say anything because Sukup had always been so kind to his students, but recently he has crossed the line.”

   Kienle reported that she walked in on a seventh grade physical education class and witnessed Sukup mocking his students. Seventh grader Daniel Isaac said Sukup constantly brags about his superior strength and athleticism to his students.

   “Sukup would often show us slide shows of his calves compared to professional bodybuilders,” Isaac said. “Our whole unit three test was an essay on how we plan to grow to his caliber.”

   Sukup had often mocked others on their physical appearance. Kienle brought her intel about potential implants to the public and students were more than shocked. 

   Sukup attempted to deny the accusations, but medical records proved otherwise. For years his overall attractiveness made his oversized calves seem natural on the Greek-god like body. After the news was made official, Sukup felt that the public should know the reasoning for the implants.

   “I used to feel very insecure about my body, especially coaching alongside a massive specimen like Richard Babyak,” Sukup said. “My looks were already immaculate, but I needed the strength and chose the quickest option.”

    Sukup said he wouldn’t change anything about his past decisions. Physical education is a very important class for students, and Sukup felt that his implants aided his appearance and teaching ability.

    “It was never about me,” Sukup said. “I did it for the kids. I spent thousands of dollars so that my students could see what an ideal build looks like. They complete the unbeatable duo of my petite gym shorts and massive legs.”

   Sukup said that his impressive figure made him a role model to hundreds, and without the implants he would have never had the confidence to teach physical education.

   “What others see as bullying, I see as inspiration,” said Sukup. “Countless of my students have grown and learned more in my class than all of highschool.”