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The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

SATIRE: Chaos in the Car Line

Oh Crackers

   72 hours. That’s how long it took students and faculty to turn right into Trinity Prep Lane this week. The line of cars, trucks, bicycles and scooters extended for several miles in both directions and had reached a complete standstill by 3am on Monday morning.

   “I used to hate Mondays,” senior Alex Wang said. “But now, I hate Thursdays instead. It’s a nice change.”

   Even for those used to driving long distances to get to Trinity, waiting in line has proven challenging.

   “At least at Disney and Universal, they have those stupid games to keep you occupied,” Wang said. “Trinity has nothing. So we’ve had to get creative.”

   An overhead photo captured by the Trinity Drone™ reveals students and faculty have gone to extreme lengths to stay busy while waiting. Some have erected tents on the roof of their cars and are pretending to camp in the wilderness.

   “I feel like my time hiking the Appalachian Trail was only a warm up run for this, the ultimate wilderness experience,” social studies teacher Bear Grylls aka Michael Hopkins said.

   Hopkins and other like-minded wilderness explorers have designed makeshift BBQ grills and siphoned fuel from nearby vehicles for a “natural gas” lunch. Other, more naive students tried to order UberEats (delivery via drone), but the air traffic soon reached a standstill and the carnage of fries and Chipotle proved too costly for the operation to continue.

   “A really interesting economic system has developed in the car line,” AP Econ teacher and professional hustler Kelly Aull said. “If I had to describe it in one word, I would say anarchy … HEY! You! Hands off my gas tank!”

   Further down the line, a musical war is being waged. Swifties and Stylers alike blare hit songs at max volume, hoping to drown the opposing lyrics out.

   “‘Getaway Car’ really hits different when you are actually in a car trying to get away from the tasteless vehicles around you,” senior Swiftie Jordan Alch said.

   A truce was called after both parties realized that they could simply just roll up their windows, but no one knows how long it will last.

   Despite the chaos, most people in line keep their focus in front of them, hoping for a break in the traffic. Closest to Trinity Prep Lane, the flickering stoplights wreak havoc on the paint jobs of many expensive student vehicles. 

   It is also here that the drivers search expectantly for the cause of the blockage. The answer: a traffic jam of squirrels and sandhill cranes on their way to a late Spring Break.

   “The food options on campus have been really disappointing recently,” a spokesperson for TAU (Trinity Animals United) said. “Y’all need to eat better.”

   While talks are ongoing with the TAU, Trinity’s administration has had to reevaluate their tardy policies. With over 100,000 tardies on record, the whole school will be picking up trash at lunch for the next two months. Where the trash will be coming from is unclear.

   “I have missed 112 classes in the last week alone,” Wang said. “I didn’t even know I was taking that many.”

   Although most hope that the traffic situation is cleared up by next week, some feel that there have been benefits to the long wait.

   “I almost don’t have to get out of bed in the morning,” Wang said. “I live close to school so I just have to walk out of my door, get in my car, and I’m already waiting in line.”

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