SATIRE: Swim team dives into waters of cult world

Alch #2, Staff Writer

   Information about a secret cult in the swim team has recently been brought to light. We’ve all heard the timeless jokes about the swim team being a cult, but the testimonies and evidence that have been exposed are definitely not a joke. The following events will horrify and shock you. Read at your own risk.

   The Trinity swim team has long played an integral role in athletics at Trinity Prep, but it is far more complex than what meets the eye. Since its start, it has developed into something more sinister, unsettling, and sickening than ever before. The scariest part is that this cult has been here, swimming underneath our noses this whole time.

   We have learned a lot about the cult from a whistleblower, whose identity will remain anonymous for privacy reasons. 

   “I’ve heard that the team worships a swim entity, and their devotion to it is what leads them to victory, but this cult runs deeper than we can imagine,” Sophomore Olivia Prince said. “They’ve done some pretty dark things, one of them being sacrifice, but you didn’t hear it from me.”

   Many, including girls weightlifting coach Amanda Dean, have begun to notice concerning behavior from the swimmers. 

   “I’ve seen them in the morning a couple of times,” Dean said. “Sometimes I hear strange sounds coming from the locker room but I’ve been warned not to ask any questions or interact with them for my personal safety.”

   Many have borne witness to the cult’s actions firsthand. Freshman Reese Tanis explains that she innocently joined the team, wanting to branch out, but as the season went on, things started to get disturbing.

   “Last season I swam on the JV team, and it really changed me,” Tanis said. “It was a dark time for me, and I think it’s finally time to come out of the darkness and speak my truths.”

   Tanis witnessed things she didn’t even think were possible while on the team. Her whole life changed during this time. Being on the team caused Tanis to experience the true depths of the cult firsthand. 

   “I once saw them sacrifice Bosco the Saint to ‘higher powers’ before a swim meet. They threw him off the diving board and watched him struggle, claiming that this martyr was necessary,” Tanis said. “It was horrifying, I left before I could see the end. I still don’t know what ended up happening to him, but I think it’s best no one finds out.”

   Their suspicious behavior has been noticed by students and faculty alike. Many are beginning to question if it is really a joke at all, and are becoming increasingly concerned for their safety. Sophomore Benjamin McNeill accidentally witnessed cult activity.

   “Once, I went into the locker room and found them in their tight, tight speedos chanting in a circle,” McNeil said. “They all stopped to stare at me, and I made the mistake of looking into their eyes. What I saw in their eyes didn’t seem human, it was almost… feral.” 

   Ever since then, McNeil has had concerns about his safety. He has found things like goggles in his room and wet footsteps leading from his door, despite never being a swimmer. 

   This cult is obviously very devoted and closed off from society, many refusing tosocialize with non-swimmer students. 

   “I once saw that there was an extra seat at their lunch table,” Senior Leah Keefe said. “I didn’t have anywhere to sit so I asked if I could take that spot. They stared blankly at me until I walked away, I heard them pointing and laughing at me as I left. It was humiliating.”

   Though they are a very tight-knit group, the cult has begun to recruit new members to increase their power among the Trinity Prep community.

   “I was once cornered by Lindsey Zhuang asking about my lung capacity,” Junior Reyna Mapa said. “I told her I didn’t know and she pulled out a list and crossed my name off in red sharpie. I asked her what it was and she just laughed and said it was a swim thing. Ever since then I’ve had a distinct feeling I’m being watched.”

   Despite numerous efforts, we were unable to get any statements from the cult members. When approached about the topic, Swimmer David Bryskin started to sweat profusely and muttered swim strokes under his breath while he backed into the shadows. 

   “Breaststroke, freestyle, fly, breast, free, fly, breast, free, fly,” Bryskin said.

   The cult’s looming presence on campus is starting to become an uncontrollable issue. Who knows what is next for Trinity as the cult continues to increase in power, all we know is that it is out of our hands now. Godspeed.