Satire: The Pronoun Showdown

Trinity Prep makes an executive decision that Trinity Prep cannot use pronouns on the Trinity Prep campus

Satire: The Pronoun Showdown

Maddie Peckham, Opinions Writer

Due to current and past political polarization of pronouns, Trinity Preparatory School has decided that Trinity Prep can no longer allow pronouns on the Trinity Prep campus. Pronouns have lately been brought to the national level, and many folks are extremely distracted. Trinity Prep has henceforth decided to ban pronouns in pronouns’s entirety so this conversation won’t distract the Trinity Prep student body.

“No pronouns is better for everyone,” said dean of students and adamant pronoun-disliker Kelly Aull, “Pronouns are Trinity Prep’s main problem and issue on the front lines of the classroom. It’s always ‘dress code this, dress code that’. But no one ever mentions pronouns! Ever! Keeping the attention of Trinity Prep’s students during lessons is Trinity Prep’s administration’s main focus and we need to remove pronouns from the Trinity Prep campus to keep the students’ attention.”

Pronouns are a huge distracter for the student population, so to eliminate that, Trinity Prep has completely banned them from the Trinity Prep campus. Now, when addressing someone, the former must use the latter’s first or last name and first/last name only. In any sentence, you must refer to the subject repeatedly, lest pronouns distract everyone from the real task of school: learning. If you must repeat what someone has said, you must use the first name of the person who has spoken (i.e: William Shakespeare said…when Shakespeare said…and so on. NOT: he said…never use he/she/they/xey) If you find yourself using he/she/they/xey, refer to the Trinity Prep administration for assistance.

Trinity Prep’s executive decision continues to be celebrated by the entire student and faculty body alike. 

“I’m so glad Trinity Prep finally made the leap,” said AP English Literature teacher Susan Lilley. “Vague pronouns in writing are a thing of the past! Just like pronouns in general. Whenever I give a lesson, my students never get confused on who I’m teaching about, because I keep saying it! Over and over! And over! And over…and over…and over…”(Lilley promptly went into a joyous trance repeating “and over.” Lilley was still repeating “and 

over” when the team left the interview, but Lilley is very excited about the change.)