Gum. Tasty, chewy, calming perfection. Gum symbolizes a sense of freedom; a freedom of flavor. This freedom was stripped away from Trinity students late last year when Dean of Upper School Kyle McGimsey declared that gum was banned on campus.
“I really enjoy chewing gum,” freshman Ari Lanxner said. “So when Mr. McGimsey banned gum, I felt that all hope was lost.”
This feeling of hopelessness and despair has rung all throughout campus, as chewing gum is a pastime that is enjoyed by millions during times of stress or smelly breath.
However, a black market of sorts on campus recently started secretly selling gum for five dollars a piece to students, faculty and staff. The identity behind these criminals responsible for the black market is unknown, but we do know that it is run by a group of students under one mastermind who are fed up with the status quo of only eating mints.
“We had to take matters into our own hands,” said an anonymous member involved in the scheme. “Gum is a basic right of people, so for a fair price they should be able to have it on campus.”
Now, for a reasonable fee, students are able to return to their normal lives and go back to chewing gum at school.
Nevertheless, a debate emerged on campus on whether to crackdown on the black market or not. This division of opinions was not only between students, but teachers as well. Some teachers, such as B. “Bubbles” McKenzie and Steven Garnett believed that the black market should remain.
“I believe that students can be trusted to chew gum and not cause any problems for the school,” McKenzie said. “If students are granted more freedom such as chewing gum in school, then their stress levels will decrease and productivity will go up allowing them to do better in their classes.”
A band of teachers: Mike “The Menace” Hill, Benjamin “The Bad-boy” Gaddis, Bill “The Bocce-Baller” Milsten and Steven “Bird-Stalker” Krueger decided to uncover this secret and bring an end to the black market of gum. All of them have their own reasons as to why they oppose gum at school.
“Time and time again, students have left chewed gum on my class floor,” Hill said. “So every time I tried to walk around, my shoes would get caught and stick to the gum.”
“Everyone knows that my office is a stress-free zone,” Gaddis said. “But I get especially irritable when students loudly chew gum around me; that’s why I’ve had to add zen music and a fountain to my room.”
The reason why Milsten in particular has a strong distaste for gum is unclear, but many believe he has chiclephobia: a fear of chewing gum. This rumor began to spread when his seniors witnessed him collapse to the floor after he spotted one of his students blowing a bubble.
After days of interrogating and deep-diving on Twitter, the trio uncovered the culprit behind that black market. The boss of the illegal gum business was none other than K. McGimsey.
“The truth is… I have a secret gum addiction,” McGimsey said once the truth was revealed to the entire school. “I didn’t want anyone else on campus to have gum but me, so I began to start trading delicious gum for plain, disgusting mints. At first, I had no other inventions but to have all the gum for myself, but once I had an uncontrollable surplus I needed to get rid of some. And I thought to myself; ‘I might as well make some money along the process of getting rid of extra.’”
So now that the black market kingpin has been identified, Trinity finishes out the year with gum once again nowhere to be seen on Trinity’s campus. And in the end, McGimsey was forced to resign and seek help at a rehab center in order to end his gum addiction.
“It’s annoying we have to go back to only mints now,” Lanxner said. “And now, my Grille account is $30 dollars in debt because I spent all of my money on gum.”