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The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

[Satire] Budget Cuts Leave Hurdle Races To Be Run With No Hurdles


     Trinity Prep is in a budget crisis. Administrators were shocked to find that the budget for the 2023-2024 school year is down to zero. As a result, Trinity has decided to cut funding for classrooms and athletics to zero and even is asking staff to help raise funds. These cuts have thrown the staff into a frenzy as they try to figure out how to get through next year.

     The decrease in school funds stems from a recent scam in which administration wired thousands of the school’s money to a “helpless” prince from Nigeria. When the prince did not pay them back, the school’s administration panicked and tried everything in their power to recover the money, but to no avail.

     “We thought that once we saved that young man from his emergency, he would give us double what we gave him,” said Head of Upper School Tracy Bonday. “Now we can’t get our money back, so we have to make up for it somehow. We believe the best way we can fix this problem is through major budget cuts. We’ll be back to normal in no time.”

     For sports coaches like Track and Field Head Coach Mike Rogers, the cuts are so severe that he has been forced to sell the hurdles used for the hurdle races in order to afford entry fees for track meets. Despite this setback, the coach still plans to hold the races.

     “Usually when we host track meets here at Trinity, we have the 100-meter hurdles race and the 400-meter hurdles race,” Rogers said. “Unfortunately, we have to sell those hurdles so that we have enough funds to participate in meets at other schools. This means that we will have to ask the athletes running our hurdles races to use their imagination and picture the hurdles on the track.”

     Trinity’s athletes who run the hurdles are extremely disappointed about this twisted turn of events. However, freshman Justin Stockstill, who currently holds the school record for the 400-meter hurdles race at 41.93 seconds, plans to hurdle this obstacle with a positive attitude.

     “Nothing will stop me from running the hurdle race, and the hurdles being removed is hardly an issue,” Stockstill said. “My love and passion for hurdling go way back to when my grandparents had to jump over supply carts during the war in order to get to school. It would be a disgrace if I stopped hurdling.”

     The cuts have hit the classrooms just as hard. Teachers have been forced to sell most of their classroom supplies and equipment in order to help raise money for the school. 

     “I’m willing to do anything for this class,” Biology teacher Bryan Moretz said, who has already donated two of his kidneys to combat the cuts.

     Teachers are not the only ones who are feeling the effects of the budget cuts. When freshman Olliver Polsinelli arrived at the campus, he was stunned to find out that the rock was sold and replaced with a big rock-shaped chunk of styrofoam. 

     “Where did everything go?” asked Polsinelli. 

     Instead of auctioning off the equipment or listing it on eBay, the school plans to hold a large yard sale in the middle of the quad. This gigantic yard sale will include everything a student can only dream of taking home.  

     “I’ve always wanted to take home one of the pencil sharpeners that they use here,” said freshman Karl Loiseau. “They are so fast and efficient and are so much better than the handheld ones. The price is only $12, which is a steal.” 

     Going along with the yard sale will be a bake sale hosted by the staff, who aim to collect enough money to make up for the budget cuts. All of the teachers love the new booth so much that one of them, art teacher Kym Moreland-Garnett., has decided to drop an entire art class to dedicate more time to baking the desserts. The bake sale will feature heavily marked-up prices in order to meet their goal in the quickest way possible.

     “That was delicious,” said Ishan Choksey, who purchased a brownie for $25.99.

     As for the Nigerian Prince, he appreciates Trinity’s assistance but says that his nation is still in need. 

     “Thank you to everyone at Trinity Prep for their help,” said the prince. “Me and my countrymen are now partly recovered from our emergency. However, I would like to request another few hundred thousand dollars to get everything back on track. You won’t have to worry, as when we are back to normal, we will send you back double what you gave us.”

     It is unclear how Trinity will respond to this request.

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About the Contributor
Sammy Lou, Staff Writer/Copy Editor
Sammy Lou is a sophomore entering his second year on staff. He writes for the Opinions department and serves as the Copy editor. He loves playing chess, learning new languages and following Shohei Ohtani. Contact at [email protected].

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