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The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

(SATIRE) Cabal Isn’t Cabald – Shocking Truth Revealed!

Graphic by Anna Miliotes

   Last Thursday, renowned AP World teacher Isiah Cabal’s secret was revealed to the public. Sophomore Daniel Chacko was walking by Cabal’s classroom after practice when he turned to see what he was doing through the windows. Cabal’s back was facing him when he saw a peak of golden, stunning locks coming out of Cabal’s head. Chacko screamed and ran away when Cabal realized his secret had been discovered. He is not bald. 

   Chacko attempted to tell his fellow peers about Cabal’s secret, but no one believed him. The public became aware of this distressing secret when junior Mia DiClemente saw Cabal’s secret for herself. 

   DiClemente was pulling out of the Planet Fitness parking lot when she caught a glimpse of the most luscious, silky, voluminous, shining, golden, sparkling hair.  

   “I was just backing out and I saw something shining and when I turned I saw the most beautiful hair in my entire life,” DiClemente said. “I got so distracted by the beauty of his hair that I crashed my car.”  

   DiClemente was left in shock for a solid 30 minutes just by seeing his hair, however, then fainted when she realized it was Cabal’s. 

   “I had never expected that my own teacher would have the most stunning hair, especially since he has always been bald,” DiClemente said. “I was just overloaded with shock and hit with beauty, I could not control myself.” 

   After DiClemente came forward to the press about her teacher’s secret, this news spread throughout the whole country. It is all news sources are talking about.  

   Cabal has not shown his face in school in a week. His home is surrounded by photographers trying to catch any picture of his luscious locks. After several calls and fan mail, Cabal has finally stepped up and answered questions the whole nation is wondering. 

   “Look, this is the exact reason why I wear a bald cap,” Cabal said. “For as long as I can remember my parents have made me wear a bald cap to keep my locks protected and hidden.” 

   Since he was born his hair has been beautiful. He was born with hair down to his feet that almost blinded the doctors with how shiny it was. 

   “I don’t mind wearing the bald cap,” Cabal said. “It has become a part of my personality and identity, and it helps me protect my hair and keep it hidden.” 

    Cabal has a 151 step hair routine, using 57 different types of shampoo and 94 special oils and conditioners. Along with that, he wears two bald caps, one with a silk lining and a rubber one on top. 

   “It takes me about 6 hours to wash my hair and do my after shower routine,” Cabal said. “A lot of students always ask me why I haven’t graded their assignments but they don’t understand all of the tedious work I am spending on washing my hair.”  

   Cabal shared that he only told his good friend William Milsten about his secret. 

   “Honestly I needed someone to confide in,” Cabal said. “It is a very heavy thing that I need to keep to myself, like literally, my hair weighs 6 pounds.” 

   As soon as Milsten learned about Cabal’s hair he recommended that Cabal pitched his story to a film director. He inspired the story of Rapunzel.

   “Honestly, I really don’t know how people did not put two and two together after his secret came out,” Milsten said. “He is literally Rapunzel. Someone with long, blonde, golden hair, whose parents forced him to hide it from the world and well… the teaching part kinda ruins it but whatever.”

   Many in the public actually believe Cabal’s hair has magical powers like Rapunzel’s. This has caused a mass of citizens and helicopters to camp outside of his house, some of whom have been here for over a week, trying to get a picture or piece of his hair. 

   “I have been standing outside of his house for four days now, no sleep,” junior Lauren Beers said. “I have not eaten, showered, and have gotten into a few fights but I am not leaving. I mean a picture of his hair is worth at least $500,000 and a piece of it, I would become a millionaire.” 

   Cabal is feeling unsafe and has already made plans on quitting teaching and moving to Bora Bora. 

    “Look, taking care of my hair is already exhausting, I don’t need to have this famous life stress,” Cabal said. “Honestly this is my excuse to move to Bora Bora and enjoy the paradise life. But maybe not because the ocean water might ruin my hair.”

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