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The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

[SATIRE] New Mission Statement Creates World Peace

Olivia Kort
Students dance around the rock after experiencing the power of the new mission statement.

It was an ordinary assembly at Trinity Prep. Students were fast asleep in their chairs–teachers, also fast asleep but slightly more subtly. No one was anticipating that assembly to change their lives forever. 

Head of School Byron Lawson stood in front of the student body, promising an announcement that would transform Trinity, fundamentally altering our education system. Students woke up, their minds racing with possibility, wondering if he was going to cancel exams or start summer early. But something even more monumental was announced: the school’s new mission statement. 

The old mission statement, which we can all clearly agree is trash, reads “The mission of TPS is to develop individuals who will excel in college and in life, contribute to their communities, lead in a changing society, and grow spiritually.”
The new one is completely different and obviously superior. It reads, “Develop ethical, resilient leaders who thrive in the pursuit of excellence, embrace diversity, grow in thought in perspective, and grow spiritually.” 

Students have already begun to thrive in the pursuit of excellence by taking this excellent statement to heart. 

“I used to want to become an individual who would lead in a changing society, but now I want to be an ethical and resilient leader!” Junior Senming Hsia said. 

 When asked what the difference between the two was, Hsia punched me in the face and told me that I wasn’t exhibiting the values of a Saint. 

Other students have also felt the new mission statement’s effects.

“I can already feel myself becoming more ethical,” Junior Auva Farahani said. “I used to cheat on all my tests, but now I only cheat in my hard classes!” 

Another student, Junior Avi Selsky, said he has grown to embrace diversity, going as far as posting a black square on his Instagram story.

“I don’t see color anymore,” Selsky said. “Or wait– I do see color! But maybe I don’t? I don’t know, just use whichever one sounds better.”

Additionally, students can be seen frolicking in the quad, holding hands and skipping in circles around the rock while singing “You Will Be Found” from Dear Evan Hansen.

When asked how the school orchestrated this revolutionary change, Mission Statement Enthusiast Byron Lawson admits that Trinity spent over three million dollars hiring a team of scholars, philosophers, and Nobel Prize Winners to write it. 

“Yes, it did leave us severely in debt, but the money is well worth it,” Lawson said. 

The money is well worth it indeed. Trinity Prep is evolving into a better, brighter place, and it’s all thanks to the new mission statement. 

I reached out to a few members of the committee that wrote it, asking how they accomplished this monumental task. One member shrugged and said the following. 

“I dunno, I just put the old one into Chat GPT and the new one came out.” 

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About the Contributor
Taylor Riley, Editor-in-Chief
Taylor Riley is a senior in her third year on staff, working as Editor-in-Chief. When she's not writing for the Voice or doing homework, she's writing for fun, trying and failing to learn to play the piano and making playlists on Spotify (she currently has 56 and counting). Contact at [email protected].

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