Breaking News
  • September 18September 22nd- First B Club Meetings
The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

The student news site of Trinity Preparatory School

The Trinity Voice

SATIRE: Schneider Scandal Takes Students by Surprise

Anna Mili-rock-on-deez-toes
Schneider orders sophomores Wilder Judelson and Kevin Wang to run their laps faster.

   Earlier this month, math teacher Eric Schneider was caught as the ringleader behind an illegal lap running ring involving students racing around Stuart. What started out as an innocent way to discipline students and a staple in Schneider’s classes, has grown into something much bigger. The lapping system was originally put in place to “allow students to reflect on their actions while taking in the fresh air.” Laps are given to students who swear, are disrespectful or address the 2022 Faculty Bocce Ball Champion improperly. 

   Although this system served as useful, Schneider secretly wanted to take it to the next level. The first race between two students was held as a joke, but Schneider, standing with his stopwatch, instantly knew this could be a profitable business. After that day, instead of assessing laps on the spot, Schneider told students to return after school. When the students arrived at Schneider’s room during study period, there were multiple teachers, including chemistry teacher Carrie Lopez, “coincidentally” at the crime scene. 

   The two students who led their respective classes in laps, sophomores Wilder Judelson and Kevin Wang, were confused but continued on with the process. Schneider then explained that the students must race each other around the building if they wanted to keep their current grades in the class. Judelson thought it was all a joke at first, but was suspicious of the interaction.

   “I get a lot of laps in class for petty things like talking about my rizz, so I thought Mr. Schneider just wanted to talk to me about my behavior,” Judelson said. “I was surprised when he threatened Kevin and I, but didn’t think too much of it. We continued on with the race and of course, I won. Oh, and why am I so fast? It’s because I was a part of the STATE CHAMPION SOCCER TEAM. That’s right, state champs, no sugarcoating that.”

   Wang was also suspicious when he first entered the room. His belief was validated as soon as he saw Lopez secretly sneak a $100 bill to Schneider. 

   “I knew something was off because Mrs. Lopez never leaves the science building,” Wang said. “Every time I’m in the vicinity of Witmer, I can see her watching me like a hawk. It’s almost like she sleeps in the lab.” 

   Both Wang and Judelson reported the encounter to administration, who conducted an investigation of the scene. What they found was astonishing. It turns out that Schneider had a 64-student bracket under his desk, which he disguised as an NCAA March Madness Tournament bracket. It was also discovered that many teachers had not only been aware of the ring but were gambling on the outcome of the races. When confronted by reporters, Schneider didn’t seem ashamed or defensive, which was a surprise to many.

   “Do I think what I did was wrong? No,” Schneider said. “Would I ever do it again? Absolutely. Disciplining students and making bank are my two favorite things in the world. Sure, I tarnished my name as the 2022 Faculty Bocce Ball Champion, but it doesn’t matter because I’ll be changing my name to the 2023 Faculty Bocce Ball Champion.”

   After a meeting closed off to the public, the administration finally made a verdict last night. Since Lopez was the only teacher who was confirmed as a gambler, she was sentenced to 4 laps. Schneider, on the other hand, was sentenced to 400 laps a day. Judelson found the sentencing funny and laughed in the most robotic way possible.

   “Ha ha ha ha, how the tables have turned,” Judelson said.

Leave a Comment

Comments (0)

Comments on The Trinity Voice's articles and opinion pieces are intended to encourage productive discussion. They are moderated and may be removed for offensive or profane content.
All The Trinity Voice Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *