The most important event in all of Trinity’s history occurred on February 3. On that momentous day, administrators and all other prestigious figures broke ground for the new science building. Unbeknownst to the general public, they did not just break ground, they also broke the school’s bank account.
“After groundbreaking, I don’t know how much money we have left for anything honestly,” science department chair Dr. Romina Jannotti said.
The big event came at a hefty price. Everything had to be meticulously arranged for the boosters and donors of the school, from the Trinity-labeled plastic water bottles to the careful alternation of navy and yellow napkins at the tables.
“I could not teach for an entire month leading up to this because I was too busy sorting all the decor,” Jannotti said. “I can not tell the difference between blue and yellow anymore, they all just blend together.”
The school-coded complementaries were showcased at the pre-groundbreaking where everyone patted themselves on the back for an official announcement for creating a better world for the future generations. However, the real stars of the show were the props in the photo op for the actual groundbreaking.
“The shovels were made from dalbergia melanoxylon– the most expensive wood in the world – and carbon steel,” shovel enthusiast Isiah Cabal said. “24K gold was engraved on the blade to ensure the perfect shine of Trinity Prep’s logo under the sun.”
What was supposed to be the most extravagant photo prop turned out to be an utter disaster when put in front of a camera.
“I had to take the groundbreaking photo 100 times,” photographer Jackson Napier said. “It was incredibly hard to shoot because people couldn’t hold onto their shovels for longer than five seconds because of their heavy weight. 20 cameras also broke in the process because of the glare of the embedded gold emblem.”
In addition to the artisanal shovels, each member had to wear a hardhat fully studded in diamonds to fully immerse themselves in the moment. All in all, the heat, the weight and the lengthy time were a little too much for everyone involved.
“I was in the middle of my 77th shot when suddenly, Ms. McIntosh collapsed face-first into the dirt,” Napier said. “According to the ER, Ms. McIntosh passed out due to overexertion and heat exhaustion.”
Although some thought the shovels, medical bill and the amount of broken cameras that required repair were the detriment to the school’s funding, others speculated that it was the dirt that had done it.
“I had to search for pure fluffy loam dirt that had to be the perfect shade of burnt umber,” Jannotti said. “I do not know why I was assigned to find this kind of dirt, but all Mr. Lawson said was: ‘You’re in charge of science, you’re supposed to have contacts in pedology.’”
Turns out that Jannotti had her contacts in pedology. A secret spy working under the dirt supplier, revealed that Lawson had to fire his secret third secretary to afford ten pounds of the burnt umber loam.
Sacrifices were also in the very plan of the science building.
“Right now we only have enough money to clear the area and build one adequate classroom space,” lead architect Bobby Joe said. “Seeing as we have to set our priorities, Mr. Lawson’s new office will be all the construction we will do now.”
Instead of allocating funds towards labs and safety showers, the money will be used towards furnishing Lawson’s office. Some upgrades include a 10 ft crystal chandelier, Elton John’s personal grande piano and an outdoor gazebo.
The sudden loss of money due to groundbreaking is a subject of major concern. The actual amount lost is yet to be uncovered by our investigators. Meanwhile, students and faculty, be thankful for air conditioning – it might be gone soon.