The Trinity Prep Bachelor

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Delerme, Wilcox, and Watson all compete for Peter Weber's promposal. But who will come out victorious?

Squidney under the Seabold

   As prom quickly approaches, most students find themselves scrambling to find a date at the last minute. However, it can be hard to find that perfect someone. You know, the one that you make your mom pin the boutonniere on. The one that when the slow song comes on, you both awkwardly sway, trying to avoid eye contact while your friends standing in the corner work on the first draft of the wedding invite.

   After both Hannah Ann and Madison left him, Peter Weber from NBC’s The Bachelor agreed to take one lucky girl to the Trinity Prep Prom this year in our own version of The Bachelor.

   Weber’s agent says he is very excited to attend the prom and has already picked out a suit to wear.

   “I never agreed to this,” Weber said. “I’ve never even heard of this school.”

   The next step was to find possible candidates to be his date, which wasn’t hard considering half of his Instagram followers aren’t old enough to buy a lottery ticket. In order to apply, candidates had to prove that they represent the values of what it means to be a saint. Over 50 and a half girls sent in videos of themselves watching Sesame Street, using hand sanitizer with a 60% alcohol content, and giving announcements in assembly that could be limited to an email. How saint-like!

   After an extensive sorting process, three students were chosen to participate in the first annual Trinity Prep Bachelor—juniors Morgan Delerme and Ellie Watson and senior Harper Wilcox.

   “I’m so excited,” Watson said. “Don’t tell Benji though. He thinks I signed up for American Ninja Warrior.”

   “They rejected my application for some reason,” junior Enzo Cunanan said.

   Delerme, Watson and Wilcox had to complete a series of challenges, whereafter each round a girl was eliminated. In the first challenge, the girls had to prove their strength and swim across the entire lake, starting from the canal. While Watson and Wilcox were triumphant, Delerme was disqualified immediately for wearing leggings and showing her shoulders.

   “I ruined my new $500 neon orange Lululemon leggings,” Delerme said, wiping away tears from her eyes.

   Additionally, Wilcox swears that an alligator tried to bite her leg off, but spectators say it was just Dean of Students Kelly Aull chasing after her.

   “I was hungry,” Aull said. “I have a tracker on my phone that shows me where the closest snack—I mean student—is. It’s hard to pay the high Grille prices on a teacher’s salary, but children are free.”

   Since Delerme was disqualified, Wilcox and Watson made the series finale by default. In a special edition of “One Woman Tells All,” Delerme and the entire student body gathered around the burrito station in the Grille to watch a special screening, determining who would go to prom with Weber.

   “I’d never seen the burrito station so empty; there were only 700 people,” one student recalled.

   For the final challenge, Wilcox and Watson participated in a Trinity trivia game, hosted by social studies teacher Robin Grenz. This challenge gave contestants the opportunity to prove that they were both Trinity and dating material. The first question required the contestants to describe their greatest accomplishment.

   “My greatest accomplishment is my Tiktok account,” Watson said as she was renegading in the quad to establish her dominance.  “I’ve inspired so many people to become photographers that I’m nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

   The next question was which church does our school affiliate with?

   “I’m not answering that,” Wilcox said. “But take some stickers and pins, everyone.”

   The final question was by far the most important of all, so important that the sixth graders in the library stopped screaming at the top of their lungs. It was…what are the qualities of what it means to be a saint?

   “Oh, I know this one,” Watson said, pondering hard about the task before her. “Being tired all the time, always feeling borderline unstable, coming to school with the literal black plague so you don’t miss a vocab quiz, wrestling through middle schoolers in the Grille and watching the girls’ basketball team go to the state finals with their coach who emotionally supports them.”

   Grenz stared at Watson, wide-eyed. “Yes!” she gasped, beaming. The entire school all of a sudden burst into a hearty round of applause that lasted way longer than it should have, in order to waste time. 

   Mr. Mulloy could be seen in the corner, teary-eyed at Watson’s accomplishment. ‘It’s beautiful,’ he thought to himself. ‘They finally understand what it means to be a saint.’

   So Watson attended prom with Peter Weber, and they danced the night away to mediocre rap music. Watson’s boyfriend, senior Benji Santiago, was not amused, and Wilcox was devastated and crying in the bathroom all night, since she couldn’t go to prom with her dream man.

   “Wait what? No I wasn’t,” Wilcox said. 

   She’s so brave.