James Ellzey

Graphics by Aylin Garibay

After 70 years of working as the head cook for Trinity Prep, Chris Behrens has announced his retirement to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a Michelin-starred chef. He is now strictly requiring everyone to address him as Biggie Behrens. 

“I used to like this job,” Biggie Behrens said. “But now, it’s not quite my tempo. Out with the normal retirement. Who cares that I’m 83! I’m still in my prime; still young and hip. I’m a Scorpio, I was born to be a Michelin-starred chef.”

This announcement was met with both support and shock from faculty and staff. After decades of seeing Chris’ beautiful face welcome them into the grille, many are having a hard time believing that he is leaving. 

“I just hoped he would be here forever, making me breakfast burritos,” senior Isabella Moore said. “At least a few more years, until I can pass personal fitness to finally graduate.”

Behrens has spent years perfecting his craft. Since he was a little boy tasked with making dinner for his family of 17, potatoes and quesadillas became household delicacies. 

“I’ve been making food forever,” Behrens said. “I could tell I was made for this life after I kicked my own mom out of the kitchen when I was four and made a seven-course meal of various kinds of potatoes.”

Working in the grille has never been easy. A normal day for Behrens consists of getting to school at 11 a.m. (although he claims it to be way earlier), yelling at his staff, bullying students and making amazing food during the lunch rush. 

“Last time I was in the grille, they left the chips I like in the back,” junior Thomas Hoskins said. “I’m carb-loading only on Doritos right now, so I really needed those chips. Anyways, when I went in the back, I heard Chris yelling at Jonathan for not kissing his feet when he arrived that morning.”

Although everyone is aware of the bullying Chris does, many are opposed to doing something about it, accepting the phrase “don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” While some choose to look over Behrens’ jokes, for others, it’s harder to ignore when you are the punchline for all of them.

“He makes me cry,” sous chef Jonathon Lugo said. “Every day, he comes in with a venti chai from Starbucks and hate in his heart. Nobody knows this, but he made me scrub the boys bathrooms the other day after he blew it up. I am so happy he’s leaving.”

Behrens got the idea to become a Michelin-starred chef after having a conversation with self-proclaimed food critic Kyle McGimsey, who encouraged him to follow his dreams. 

“The real reason I kick everyone out of the grille 10 minutes early isn’t for grill duty,” McGimsey said. “I always have Chris make me a new cup of coffee. Sometimes I’ll get a snack or two. I just like kicking the students out, really.”

That conversation quickly delved into Chris explaining his aspirations beyond Trinity, which McGimsey encouraged. 

“If I can pursue my dream of wearing wooden bowties every day, Biggie Behrens should be allowed to be a Michelin chef,” McGimsey said.

With the encouragement of his peers and a few months of practice, Chris asked his close and personal friend Guy Fieri to come watch his cooking skills. 

“It was the most intense moment of my life,” Behrens said. “But after watching for a few milliseconds, Fieri removed his hair–it’s really a toupee–and put it on me. He said I was the new guy…Guy Fieri!”

Behrens intends to move to Vegas to kick off his career. While there, he intends to hopefully run into British celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay and challenge him in a cook-off. 

“I feel like if you want to become rich, you have to act like you’re already there,” Behrens said. “I heard that somewhere. Maybe Mr. Lawson said it.” 

While this will be an important loss to the Trinity family, many have already begun adapting to the idea of losing Biggie Behrens. Rumor has it that headmaster Byron Lawson intends to take over the position for the foreseeable future.