Among the many classes offered at the illustrious land of ultimate frisbee matches and opportunity, some call Trinity Prep, AP Statistics has conducted what is perhaps the most sweeping and impactful study to bless the minds of the student body. In a bombshell report on cortisol levels across classes, low-cort, or low-cortisol, individuals have reached critically low levels, riding the red line between dwindling population numbers and extinction.

   “This is huge news for the unemployed,” senior Ashton Paul said. “What’s even more huge is this parlay I could have hit if the North Macedonian national soccer team had actually made it to the World Cup. I guess I’ll have to wait four more years.”

   Of parallel importance is the nerve the study seemed to have struck within Trinity’s leadership, isolating the school’s unearthly workload and challenging classes as the primary culprit.

  “Administration and I are honestly quite disheartened at the result,” Assistant Head of Upper School Sebastiaan Blickman said. “Trinity Prep, being the number one STEM school in all of the 32792 zip code, has always prided itself on its meticulous and rigorous curriculum. However, in light of skyrocketing cortisol levels, it seems as though adjustments have to be made.”

   Still, it’s important to note that not all classes at Trinity are contributing to the high-cort crisis, with a select few performing absolute miracles by keeping cortisol levels from total collapse.

   “The most calming class for me that always seems to lower my cort-levels HAS to be AP Biology,” Olympic swimmer and junior Jahan Patel said.

   Patel, being one of the rare few in the “low-cort” statistic, attributes much of the relaxation in AP Biology to Mr. Moretz’s positive aura, soothing tests, and peak music taste.

   But if AP exams are still giving you high-cort, AP Physics ought to do the trick for a stressless and manageable, maybe even easy, five.

   “The topics and lessons in (AP Physics) are honestly super relaxing,” Spanish Honor Society Historian and junior Abhinav Sattur said. “Unit seven fr had nothing on me. Probably the freest 100 of my life.”

   However, the journey isn’t the same for all, as several classes stand in the way of Trinity’s brightest achieving the elusive low-cort level status.

   Senior Victor Fang, widely regarded as a notoriously low-cort individual, has found himself in quite the calorically dense pickle. Entering the final stretch of his senior year, Fang reports he is “actively fighting for his life” against seven exceptionally high-cort classes, most notably Honors Study Period and AP Lunch.

   “AP Lunch really forces me to think outside the box, you know, but not in a good way,” Fang said. “It’s a scary class, I would say even worse than Honors Drawing. My friends said it was gonna be bad, but not THIS bad.”

   When asked about the content of these classes, Fang strongly urged that it be kept niche for reasons he refused to elaborate on.

   Overlooking the questionable course of events during the interview, Fang reveals that his secret to a low-cort lifestyle can only be attributed to one thing.

   “Yeah so I kinda bought a pallet of ashwaganda bricks off TikTok shop,” Fang said. “Best investment of my life, though. I think I take around six or seven of them a day, I lowkey lost count. People say it’s an addiction, but look who’s mogging whose cort-levels.”

   Blickman identifies the need for lower-cort classes and, with the aid of man’s best friend, ChatGPT, has laid out yet another of administration’s elaborate schemes.

   “We really have to attack the crux of the problem in an ornate, two-pronged approach,” Blickman said. “We think a simple AP Honors Advanced Magnetohydrodynamics class, taught by the guidance counselors, of course, or maybe even AP Calculus CD, would suffice. If the cornballs at Collegeboard are aware that an AP Calculus CD exists, it’s beyond me, though. We’ll just play it by ear.”

   Just as Trinity overcame problems like the rotting planks behind the grille (just kidding, the student body is still homeless at lunch), they can overcome the seemingly insurmountable barriers that stand in the way of low cortisol levels.

   “It’s really what our founder of this great institution would have wanted,” Blickman said. “Trust me, I’m a primary source. Whenever I’m dress-coding anyone, I can always hear the whispers from the ghost of Canon telling me low-cort is the new meta.”