Trinity’s Secret Societies Open for Applications

Denise Bologna-Turkey, Staff Eater

Before you turn in your registration forms for next year, consider joining one of Trinity’s secret societies. Up until this year, Trinity’s secret societies have been working undercover, but recent confessions by students and teachers have revealed that Trinity is not simply a college prep school but the home of a vast and shady secret society network. The faculty and student body have been lied to and extorted by these societies for years now. These lies include but are not limited to the 15-minute rule (if a teacher is more than 15 minutes late, class is cancelled) and no homework on long weekends. But perhaps the most shocking reveal of all is that all the fundraisers, chicken biscuit sales and canned food drives are not made to raise money for prom or charity but have been funding the illicit activities of Trinity’s most secret societies.

But now, several leaders of Trinity’s secret societies have decided to reveal themselves to the public and open up for applications in the coming 2020-2021 school year. Sophomore Joey Toscano, founder of Juggling Club, is among them.

“When I first founded Juggling Club, my biggest problem was that I was broke,” Toscano said. “Luckily I stumbled upon a TSSG (Trinity Secret Society Guild) meeting and after a 60-second elevator pitch on the potential of a juggling secret postal service, I got the job. Now we’re the most public secret society on campus.”

Toscano and his circus of Jugglers have been the official TSPS (Trinity Secret Postal Service) for two years now and business has never been better. Their most frequent method of transport includes stuffing paper into their juggling balls and juggling in specific patterns (like a modified Morse code) to transmit messages.

“Key Club is one of our most frequent customers,” Toscano said. “They’re always asking us to transport all these random keys to the lake. One week they gave us 666 individual keys to move. It’s kind of spooky.”

Key Club representatives had little to say about their alleged fascination with keys.

“All I’m saying is that one day the Lock-ness Monster is going to come out of the Trinity lakes and Key Club is going to have a serious business selling keys,” future president of Key Club Meghan McLaughlin said. “Also, if you’re interested in applying to be a member of Key Club next year, meet me at the lake at dusk and bring bagpipes.”

If preparing for Nessie’s inevitable arrival is not your cup of tea, TSPS (Juggling Club) is also accepting applications. Juggling Club member and sophomore Alexander Wang recommends that applicants to Juggling Club be prepared to put in many dedicated hours to learn how to juggle.

“I joined Juggling Club without knowing how to juggle,” Wang said. “But after 150 hours of juggling in the quad, on the tennis court and in my dreams, I have become one of the most reliable mailmen on campus. And yes, it was worth it.”

Every member of Trinity’s secret society network is automatically a part of the TSSG. Members of the TSSG meet once a month (under the full moon) which means that club members sometimes have to come to campus on weekends. Club leaders say to keep this in mind when applying to secret societies as these meetings are mandatory. The anonymous overlord of the TSSG is said to dress code all the guild members who don’t show up.

“The TSSG’s leader is really good at not showing her face at our monthly meetings,” Wang said. “But we all know it’s Kelly Aull. Who else would dress code us on weekends?”

If the dress coding doesn’t scare you away and you’re ready to take on an active role in the TSSG, consider applying to student council. Student body president Thomas Lightsey says that applicants have two options this year; they can join the secret track or apply normally as a layperson. If you are interested in the secret track, the only requirement is to be able to recite the six qualities of a saint (backwards).

“No matter which secret society you are applying to, the most important thing to keep in mind is that once you join a secret society, there is no going back,” Lightsey said. “Happy registration season.”

For more information including descriptions of each and every secret society on campus, email [email protected].